Perhaps one of these days I'll unravel why exactly it is that I punish myself in sneaky hate spirals that will never lead to the perfection I tell myself I'm not seeking.
I have a good life, it's just that I'm always striving for it to be better, to hit some next milestone of adulthood after which I'll feel I've "really made it" as an adult. Like, y'know, having a real job- not two part-time ones and scant freelance work- and being able to pay my own taxes and then BOOM achieving self-actualization or some shit.
Instead I should be grateful that I have parents who are willing to support me in ways small and larger; who help keep me sane and healthy. I have so much more than so many do. I never go to bed hungry, and barring some unforeseen disaster, I probably never will. I can afford to live on my own and keep two small animals alive; fat even. I have more clothes than I can wear and some fun gadgets to play with and even the head of a large deceased steer living in my living room.
I need to go out and enjoy more. And unravel a lot of things I haven't admitted to myself are bothering me still. Those are the things that keep me from real human progress maybe, I don't know. I suppose I'll find out.
I suppose you will too, if you're reading.
Love from a Sarah
PS in the spirit of Nen, I am grateful for:
1. The weather means doors & windows open, happy cats & lower bills
2. The simple repair a hot shower can do
3. A job that while I may not love it, is teaching me many things in spite of itself